Category Archives: Fun Stuff

Gets the ladies everytime – Imgur


Gets the ladies everytime – Imgur.


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Filed under Fun Stuff, The English Department

Trade Tools: Get Mooing

Anyone who freelances knows that having a web presence is key… social plug-ins, community involvement, yadda yadda. But another detail that shows you’re the shit is having the right business cards. Especially here in Japan. (Hi. Yeah, I live in Japan now… but I still write for the U.S. so please don’t freak.) 🙂

Say hello to Moo. These are cards for creative people.


Mashup your info in fun ways with their templates or, design from scratch.  In my case, I just used my own photos. I model too, so to cover both worlds, I upload a couple of different versions of my CPC logo and a bunch of modeling shots. Each card has a different image (up to 100). Fonts, colors, backgrounds… I wrote my name in Japanese and in English, then put the usual contact and social stuff.


I use the mini-cards: 70mm x 28mm. I always get compliments from clients. Little is cute. It’s science.


Mini-card case holder in hot pink… has a key ring too if you’re into that sort of thing.

Instant portfolio the size of a card case– BOOM. Oh and the clincher? They’re on thick, 16 point card stock and cost less than twenty bucks. At

They didn’t pay me to write this. 🙂

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Filed under Fun Stuff, The Big Red Dot

No Hablo Nihongo

It’s been just over a month of living in Japan and I still have no idea what I’m doing. I have a slightly better idea than I did when I got off the plane four weeks ago, but that bar was pretty low. Pretty much on the ground. Actually there was no bar. More of a random line of dust.

Trains, directions… easy. Just be patient and follow directions. But banking, post office-ing, taking a bus: the language barrier makes doing even the simplest tasks exponentially more time consuming. And the few phrases I do know are pointless because they invariably evoke questions for which I have no answers. For some INSANE reason, I sometimes try to answer in Spanish, (the only other language I do know) so I find myself saying “si” when I should be saying “hai.” It’s like the Foreign Language Department in my brain is headed by a over-tenured professor who hears a question, shrugs, and says, “Here try… this?” and then goes back to his New Yorker. Lazy bastard.

I was fake-whining about shopping with a friend today who, like me, has traveled extensively without the native language…but as a tourist.“Oh just buy what you know,” he tells me, “fruits and vegetables… things you recognize.” OH OKAY.  Gee why didn’t I think of that. Have you been to the grocery store?

Is this soy sauce? Fish sauce? Mystery evil pipe cleaner sauce? What about soup? Or coffee, or tuna, or butter… or those squishy purple things in the meat case? WHAT ARE THOSE. Even things I think I recognize aren’t what they seem… I bought a case of eggs…EGGS for crying out loud, and they were partially hard-cooked for some magical fish broth egg soup dish. Eggs. I can’t even buy eggs right.


But other things I buy really right.

Like the Family Mart mini pancakes with happy-sauce inside.

I am SO nailing you when we get home.

Or the Calbee potato chips in Nori flavor.

And even some healthy stuff I happen upon by accident, but that isn’t nearly as exciting as when you stick the contents of a cartoon packet of madness in your face and realize not only that you’re not going to get sick, but you’re going to possibly eat whatever it is, forever. The little successes keep you rolling.

Same thing goes for the beauty stuff, which by the way, like the Nori potato chips, the Japanese have mastered. Hair products, makeup, skin care, body voodoo creams… I’ve just scratched the surface of what’s going on because I can’t read anything and just go by the photos… or the occasional generous phrase of English. Want to know the fairy dust they use over here for amazing skin? I’ll post about it later but here’s a hint:

This is happening.

Since being here:

  • My skin is looking rad (surprisingly), no thanks to stress, weather, Nori potato chips, and Crunky.
  • I’m eating more junk food than I have in years but I’m not gaining (I attribute this to chasing trains and constant fear of offending someone with my apparently giant 8.5 feet. PS: Shoe shopping? Another story).

I can’t imagine what I’ll discover once I can speak at a higher level than age four.  In the meantime, when I do ask for help, people are always kind enough to give it to me, but seldom to they take the initiative to offer it without request. I’ve come to the conclusion that in Tokyo, there is nothing more frightening than a middle aged, unmarried, nori-chip reeking American woman with giant feet.

You know what they say about women with big feet. THEY WILL CRUSH YOU.

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Filed under Fun Stuff, The Big Red Dot

Grammar Humour with a U

Courtesy of The Plain Language Programme


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Filed under Arts and Letters, Fun Stuff

about that Liberty Bell thing…

Happy Fourth of July! Here’s bit of American history for you…

Did you know that our separation from Britain was approved by Congress on July 2nd and not the 4th? Congress bickered over the wording for a couple of days… (editors!). Here’s part of a note John Adams sent to Lady Abigail (via wikipedia, a source you should trust implicitly for everything, forever):

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.

So if you took the whole week off, just tell your boss it was due to the nation’s historical confounding of the true Independence Day and you were just covering your bases.  Now onto the whole Liberty Bell myth:

In 1847, Poe’s buddy, George Lippard wrote a story for The Saturday Courier entitled “Ring Grandfather Ring,” in which the elderly bell keeper exhorts a young boy to listen in on Congress and get the signal when the Declaration of Independence was signed, for an appropriately timed bell ringing. Lippard’s fictional tale in the paper was stirring enough to stick in the American collective conscious… and made even more dramatic by the infamous crack in the bell, which was thought to have happened on that same fictional day. Historians disagree as to whether the bell was actually rung on July 4th 1776 because the steeple was in pretty bad shape and the progressively worsening crack has been dated back to the bell’s delivery back in 1751.

George Lippard, America’s bestselling author in 1845 and all-around madman

Although the stories and mythologies of Independence Day and the bell are historically inaccurate, it’s still a lovely day to celebrate how lucky we are as Americans. And my Granny Hazle was born today eighty-five years ago today. Here’s a photo of her and my grandfather on their wedding day, 1946… she was just nineteen. Such a lovely couple :).

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Filed under Arts and Letters, Fun Stuff

Sunday Funnies

Once of the many reasons I adore nineteenth-century print culture is the bone-dry humor often found in advertisements and announcements. And some clips just remind me how so little has changed. Here are a few recent finds…

The era of social media did not invent OMGing…

Source: The Atchison Globe, April 26, 1878.

Wry criticism at its finest…

June 6th, 1881

And lastly, little Clarence dreams big:

May 31st, 1879

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Filed under Arts and Letters, Fun Stuff

The SF “Dash-eel” Hammett Tour

“When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it.”

Sam Spade “The Maltese Falcon”

If you have a free afternoon, ten bucks, and any interest in San Francisco literary history, go on Don Herron’s super-informative Dashiell (pronounced Dash-eel, not Dash-shell) Hammett walkabout. I know, geeky. But seriously. Go. Don was especially cool and super up on his mystery fiction, giving proper props to Hammett as the second most influential mystery writer in America. Because we all know who came first. When he asked if anyone knew, me and a pasty, slightly crazed Goth guy shot our hands in the air yelping “Oh oh oh!!!  Poe! It was Poe. POE!” When Don cautiously acknowledged that we were correct, we shared a knowing smirk and made fun of the east coast tourists who said Chandler. Ha! Losers…

Anyway, I decided to go for several reasons… among them:

1) I couldn’t write and needed to get out of the house.

2) Next to “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” (“Can I call you Fred, dahling?”) and “Shawshank”, it’s one of my all-time favorite movies.

3) I wrote a paper about misogyny and gender play on Hammett’s The Maltese Falcon and love the book more than the film, which is saying something.

Now this is tour isn’t for slouches. It’s four hours long and you walk several miles (mostly in the Tenderloin) but you are rewarded with amazing bits of SF historical insight.

Like 620 Eddy Street… a very pretty building in the Tenderloin where Hammett lived with his wife and daughters… he paid about 45.00 a month for rent. He also rented a room down the street (it’s a playground now) when his tuberculosis acted up.

Then he lived up the street on Post… in the top floor, right corner apartment. That’s where he wrote about the black bird… this is walking distance from my apartment. Cool no? No?! That’s what I thought. Hell yes it’s cool. Unfortunately this apartment was taken by a wealthy fellow who has since restored it and no longer lets people visit it. Boo.

Top right corner…

Now the coolest part was when we got to the plaque on Bush Street, across from Dashiell Hammett Place, know where I’m talking about? Near Tunnel Top and the Green Door Massage Parlour?

Well, as it turns out, the Green Door wasn’t there back in 1941… that whole building wasn’t there… and you can see where the moldings change and the cement is new. Before, it was a steep ditch where Brigid O’Shaugnessey shot Archer in the film. And the plaque gets you close to the spot, but if you go down the alley, you get right to the spot where Bogart raced down at 2a.m. after getting the call Archer was murdered. Standing there, with Don and Goth Boy and the dumb Chandler tourists, I just kept thinking… I wonder if Bogart was a diva on set. His freak outs would have happened right about… here. I then realized the group was watching me laugh out loud to myself so I made an excuse and awkwardly departed.

Just kidding. Not really.

But… considering he wasn’t deemed leading man material at this point in his career, it’s unlikely. He was still coming up in his career and hardly a star before “Maltese”. In fact, he’s considered the actor, whilst donning sport-dork white shorts and tennies, responsible for coining the phrase “Tennis anyone?” As a part-time, hack actor, I find solace in knowing that Bogart had to play small time dork parts before hitting his iconic status with this film.

Mr. Animal Magnetism. Tennis anyone? Gotta start somewhere…

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Filed under Arts and Letters, Fun Stuff, Writers on Writing